Celibacy is one of those topics that I rarely talk about with people and especially Christians. Why? Once bitten, twice shy. The last time I discussed this subject, the response was a stinging criticism of my character. Celibacy, I was told, is the preserve of a select few Christians, starring Paul, while the rest are expected by God to get married and raise children. That one should even consider this shows their latent spiritual pride (just who do you think you are? Girl, you are not that special) and or their selfishness (You want to live for yourself. What kind of christian are you?). At this point, I will kindly ask that if the reader holds the above opinions and has no room to listen to stop reading. Now.
Is celibacy a curse, a choice, a gift, any of these or all of these? Recently, I have had to revisit this conversation courtesy of discussions with three very different girlfriends (and age-mates).
Tabitha is very sure that she wants to be married. Like many christian girls, she has fallen prey to professional daters. This is the breed of eligible christian bachelors who date for sport. They will call often, take one out for dates, say just enough to keep one hoping and string them along without actually making any commitment until the next interesting girl comes along. Recently, she said, she was tired and just wanted to get a man and get married. So she asked me, of all people, how she should go about getting someone who is not playing games. A girl in that position in the dating scene is setting herself up for sure. There's a lot of people out there waiting to take advantage of girls just like her. I had a harebrained idea to sort this one out (but that would be a post in itself). Therefore, marriage for her seems to be a choice. Right? Wrong?
Lucy, a girl I've known and I could say grown up with wrote me an email that made me pause. I could paraphrase her questions they would be something like this: I always thought that marriage would come at some point but now (in her late twenties and an attorney of the high court) I still have no prospects. Is something wrong with me or am I just plain stupid-maybe I should rope and hog-tie some man? What if I am just not interested in being married? Is that weird, wrong? With everyone around us getting married and having kids, it feel like something has to be done. Its getting scary.
Marriage is expected in african societies. Another friend's mother said that no matter what Oprah has achieved financially, professionally etc, as long as she is not been married and has no children, she's a failure. I think that Lucy and I have grown up with this assumption in mind. I think her concern on being single is an expression of the desire to be married but also a product of societal pressure. It is no wonder then that one wonders if it is weird or wrong to even consider the single life. I understand that. Community continuity is paramount.
Now, Lucy is Catholic and she could always opt to be a nun. The doesn't mean it would be easy. Mike, a cousin who is more like my elder brother went to Rome to train for the priesthood. Though brought up catholic, my relatives, subscribing to the same, gave my cousin an awful time. How could he deny his mother grandchildren? He should get a job and take care of his family and not waste the money used to take him to school. When that didn't work, someone informed him that he would not be alive if his mother had joined a convent. Given the time he took and the earnestness with which he explained his motives to me, I think that I was probably the only one who bothered to listen. And I, a protestant to boot, was probably the most supportive person he had spoken to. Go figure.
Since I am not catholic, am wondering: Does the protestant tradition have a place for celibacy? The senior pastor of a mega church I attend in Nairobi once asked all the singles to stand up so that he could pray for them!! By the way, being a “youthful church”, 60% of the congregation was standing. Some wonderful older women have made it their business to pray for my “hunk of burnin' love” to wake up and smell the coffee. And they are not all african. Joy, a friend of mine has a very low opinion of catholic monastic communities in general. You can imagine her surprise when I told her that the Anglican communion actually has monastic communities all over the world. She didn't know that even though she has been an Anglican all her life. See, I don't think her “protestant” faith has the capacity for that. Not surprising seeing as my older-ladies-prayer-warrior-team and pastor don't seem to think singleness is an option.
And why in the world would you want to be one? Its a curse! Why, the brides to be are cautioned to keep a distance from their, former, single girlfriends. They could steal their husbands the moment they turn their backs! Behold the reason I hate weddings. Behind the smiling and dancing are silent tears of single women who recognize death when they see it; death of relationships. New couples gradate from the youth group, singles, young professionals or whatever they are referred to in the given church to the young couples' fellowship. Here, they make new friends who understand them and can relate to their present status. So what happens if you remain single till forty, sixty? You are barred from couples fellowship of course but how do you relate to the 18year-olds in the singles group? Um, you are certified grandma. Of course, they drop out long before then. To what, I have no idea. In many ways, its a curse.
When I've heard this issue discussed, celibacy has been explained based on 1Corinthians 7 (like good biblical christians) as a gift; a spiritual gift. This therefore means that it is limited to a select few. By implication, it means that people have to be “called” (whatever that means) to this state. Matthew 19:12 is another passage that features in such discussions. Here, there seems to be three types of “eunuchs”; those born that way, those made so by men and those who make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom. Uh, I know that it ends with the fact that not all can sustain that lifestyle but it seems to me that one can actually choose to stay single and that would be fine as long as their motivation has to do with “kingdom business”? Now, was my cousin Mike called or did he choose the single life? If one calls that calling, then the catholic and orthodox traditions seem to have “favour” in the celibacy gift area don't you think? Somehow, the protestant tradition, especially the Pentecostals, seem to be missing out on this gift. On the other hand, did Mike choose to be single for the sake of the kingdom/church?
On Monday, the prof asked us to name ways in which we worship God. After a long hilarious exercise we were done listing quite weird ideas covering various traditions. I can tell you, celibacy was not on that blackboard. What do you expect? Most people are married and the single are considered an oddity. However, I later listened to a fascinating episode of Heart and Soul on BBC where a priest said that although he struggled sexually, “he offered this to God as a kind of sacrifice if you will”. [While we could go on and point the failings of the catholic priests in this regard, I would prefer to look at their belief at its best. We have some sordid stories about our married pastors/priests.] I think worship just about covers that explanation. Its interesting how their view of celibacy is not the lack of family and children but about a giving of self to God and others in an unreserved manner. Hmnn. I kind of think that this is what Paul was getting at.
From a protestant viewpoint then, oh ye biblical christians, can I choose this way of life (ps. isn't that what gay christians are told to do? Choose?), if its a gift, why are we seemingly stripped of it in our churches or so condemning of it? Can one know they have the gift?
Relax, am not anti-marriage or anything. Just so you know, its limbo i have a problem with.
