Celibacy: Curse, Choice, Gift or all three?

Now, in this post, I will be breaking rules I set up on subjects I will post here (criteria being impersonal/ responsive posts) and on the subjects I can talk about with Christians.

Celibacy is one of those topics that I rarely talk about with people and especially Christians. Why? Once bitten, twice shy. The last time I discussed this subject, the response was a stinging criticism of my character. Celibacy, I was told, is the preserve of a select few Christians, starring Paul, while the rest are expected by God to get married and raise children. That one should even consider this shows their latent spiritual pride (just who do you think you are? Girl, you are not that special) and or their selfishness (You want to live for yourself. What kind of christian are you?). At this point, I will kindly ask that if the reader holds the above opinions and has no room to listen to stop reading. Now.

Is celibacy a curse, a choice, a gift, any of these or all of these? Recently, I have had to revisit this conversation courtesy of discussions with three very different girlfriends (and age-mates).

Tabitha is very sure that she wants to be married. Like many christian girls, she has fallen prey to professional daters. This is the breed of eligible christian bachelors who date for sport. They will call often, take one out for dates, say just enough to keep one hoping and string them along without actually making any commitment until the next interesting girl comes along. Recently, she said, she was tired and just wanted to get a man and get married. So she asked me, of all people, how she should go about getting someone who is not playing games. A girl in that position in the dating scene is setting herself up for sure. There's a lot of people out there waiting to take advantage of girls just like her. I had a harebrained idea to sort this one out (but that would be a post in itself). Therefore, marriage for her seems to be a choice. Right? Wrong?

Lucy, a girl I've known and I could say grown up with wrote me an email that made me pause. I could paraphrase her questions they would be something like this: I always thought that marriage would come at some point but now (in her late twenties and an attorney of the high court) I still have no prospects. Is something wrong with me or am I just plain stupid-maybe I should rope and hog-tie some man? What if I am just not interested in being married? Is that weird, wrong? With everyone around us getting married and having kids, it feel like something has to be done. Its getting scary.

Marriage is expected in african societies. Another friend's mother said that no matter what Oprah has achieved financially, professionally etc, as long as she is not been married and has no children, she's a failure. I think that Lucy and I have grown up with this assumption in mind. I think her concern on being single is an expression of the desire to be married but also a product of societal pressure. It is no wonder then that one wonders if it is weird or wrong to even consider the single life. I understand that. Community continuity is paramount.

Evangelical Anglican Nun

Now, Lucy is Catholic and she could always opt to be a nun. The doesn't mean it would be easy. Mike, a cousin who is more like my elder brother went to Rome to train for the priesthood. Though brought up catholic, my relatives, subscribing to the same, gave my cousin an awful time. How could he deny his mother grandchildren? He should get a job and take care of his family and not waste the money used to take him to school. When that didn't work, someone informed him that he would not be alive if his mother had joined a convent. Given the time he took and the earnestness with which he explained his motives to me, I think that I was probably the only one who bothered to listen. And I, a protestant to boot, was probably the most supportive person he had spoken to. Go figure.

Since I am not catholic, am wondering: Does the protestant tradition have a place for celibacy? The senior pastor of a mega church I attend in Nairobi once asked all the singles to stand up so that he could pray for them!! By the way, being a “youthful church”, 60% of the congregation was standing. Some wonderful older women have made it their business to pray for my “hunk of burnin' love” to wake up and smell the coffee. And they are not all african. Joy, a friend of mine has a very low opinion of catholic monastic communities in general. You can imagine her surprise when I told her that the Anglican communion actually has monastic communities all over the world. She didn't know that even though she has been an Anglican all her life. See, I don't think her “protestant” faith has the capacity for that. Not surprising seeing as my older-ladies-prayer-warrior-team and pastor don't seem to think singleness is an option.

Evangelical Anglican Nuns in an Anglican Church

And why in the world would you want to be one? Its a curse! Why, the brides to be are cautioned to keep a distance from their, former, single girlfriends. They could steal their husbands the moment they turn their backs! Behold the reason I hate weddings. Behind the smiling and dancing are silent tears of single women who recognize death when they see it; death of relationships. New couples gradate from the youth group, singles, young professionals or whatever they are referred to in the given church to the young couples' fellowship. Here, they make new friends who understand them and can relate to their present status. So what happens if you remain single till forty, sixty? You are barred from couples fellowship of course but how do you relate to the 18year-olds in the singles group? Um, you are certified grandma. Of course, they drop out long before then. To what, I have no idea. In many ways, its a curse.

When I've heard this issue discussed, celibacy has been explained based on 1Corinthians 7 (like good biblical christians) as a gift; a spiritual gift. This therefore means that it is limited to a select few. By implication, it means that people have to be “called” (whatever that means) to this state. Matthew 19:12 is another passage that features in such discussions. Here, there seems to be three types of “eunuchs”; those born that way, those made so by men and those who make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom. Uh, I know that it ends with the fact that not all can sustain that lifestyle but it seems to me that one can actually choose to stay single and that would be fine as long as their motivation has to do with “kingdom business”? Now, was my cousin Mike called or did he choose the single life? If one calls that calling, then the catholic and orthodox traditions seem to have “favour” in the celibacy gift area don't you think? Somehow, the protestant tradition, especially the Pentecostals, seem to be missing out on this gift. On the other hand, did Mike choose to be single for the sake of the kingdom/church?

On Monday, the prof asked us to name ways in which we worship God. After a long hilarious exercise we were done listing quite weird ideas covering various traditions. I can tell you, celibacy was not on that blackboard. What do you expect? Most people are married and the single are considered an oddity. However, I later listened to a fascinating episode of Heart and Soul on BBC where a priest said that although he struggled sexually, “he offered this to God as a kind of sacrifice if you will”. [While we could go on and point the failings of the catholic priests in this regard, I would prefer to look at their belief at its best. We have some sordid stories about our married pastors/priests.] I think worship just about covers that explanation. Its interesting how their view of celibacy is not the lack of family and children but about a giving of self to God and others in an unreserved manner. Hmnn. I kind of think that this is what Paul was getting at.


From a protestant viewpoint then, oh ye biblical christians, can I choose this way of life (ps. isn't that what gay christians are told to do? Choose?), if its a gift, why are we seemingly stripped of it in our churches or so condemning of it? Can one know they have the gift?

Relax, am not anti-marriage or anything. Just so you know, its limbo i have a problem with.

Define African..no Points

Everyone has a pet hate, a sore spot, whatever you want to call it. Today, our mwalimu in Systematic Theology argued for a position allowing women in church leadership to a room full of African men. Hats off! It helps that it was a he though. This is one of those touchy subjects for me but i rarely get into public arguments. However, today was the exception to the rule. My engagement with the class discussion had something to do with my convictions but was largely driven by another similar irritant from another context.

One of my more conservative classmates expressed that the college could be more African than it is. Now I could say that NEGST is a very different environment from the normal Kenyan school. Its so different that i would call it an island of sorts. Not surprising really because of the diversity here and the education system being American. Anyway, when said individual was pressed to get what their idea of change would be, reference was made to the women's dress here being very unafrican. This of course refers to the ladies who cavort around college in trousers.The role model for the misguided African women where modest dress is concerned is a European..um..i mean British friend who wears beautiful long west african style skirts(kitenge). The irony in that is amazing.

Now i have nothing against floor sweeping skirts. I actually like them in the rare times that they are not tripping me up or being ripped off behind me while i get off a City Hoppa courtesy of an overeager passenger stepping on it behind me. Believe me, it is hard to maintain some kind of dignity with a gaping hole somewhere in the rear. I have no problem covering up even my hair if the social conventions of a place demand that. I don't go to my home church wearing trousers and avoid wearing them in my rural neighbourhood. BUT, ladies and gentlemen, this is Nairobi!

However, a more fundamental question is, what is african dressing? Does such a thing exist? I wouldn't say it does. What I would say however is that if I were to be authentically dressed in suitable Gikuyu regalia, the mũthuru, the effect would be to die for. The women on campus would probably wail, grab a leso/khanga/kikoy and run in my direction. And no, it will not be a celebration of style. The leso would not be laid on the ground to honour me. No, they would throw it around me and rush me away shaking their heads in shame and a tongue lashing would follow thereafter. If you've never been told off by an older african woman, at least of my ethnic group, I've got advice for you: avoid it at all costs. The men, i don't think i need to go there. And here is the thing, the Agikuyu had some clothes on!



So what is it that the conservatives call "african dress"? I think it lies somewhere between missionary and poisonwood bible. And as a result, just so you know, I had to look up the name of the skirt online and in Kenyatta's Facing Mt Kenya to get the details right...

Perception vs Reality

Last Sunday, I spent time with a friend (whom I will call Suraj). I met him during a mission trip and was drawn to him because he was a young christian passionate about missions and in a desert, anyone who speaks English is a rarity! The other interesting thing was that he was Asian and Christian- a breed I had not encountered before.

I had heard that the missionaries from Chalbi area were in town on furlough so I thought I would see both parties at a go as they attend the same church. It didn't work out that way. Although they had planned to go swimming, a well meaning parishioner decided that the missionary family had to come eat lunch at her home even if they had other plans that include a lot of water they will not be seeing for quite a while. Being African, turning this down or disentangling from lunch after one hour or so is just not going to happen. That meant that Suraj and I were left to our own devices. We left the church and looked for somewhere to eat. When we finally got into a fast food restaurant, we stirred quite a bit of interest. The rest of the patrons (all asian) made a production of being uninterested. A couple that sat nearby tried to listen in on our conversation. Some teenage kids did even better, they plopped right next to us. I think they had an earful of prayers and missions! Serves them right.


Afterwards, we went swimming. When we got into the pool area, the african majority again tried not to look too close. Suraj and I had noticed that the lights of a car in the parking lot were on. The moment we got in, he picked the nearest Asian couple to ask if it was theirs. The poor muhindi did not hear a word, he was staring with a look of undisguised disbelief. His wife had to jab him in the ribs to get him to respond to the question!! Then of course the only seat open at the pool was the one at the furthest end-very removed from the crowd. So we sat and had a great time catching up. His sister, it turned out, is dating an african man and Suraj said he liked him and had plainly told them that he wished them the best. Not so with the parents; they are furious! As we chatted away, the family close by was slipping surreptitious glances at us and talking about ...us...in Kikuyu. For the umpteenth time I overheard people talking in my vernacular being quite sure I do not understand a word.


When he finally plunged into the crowded pool, I pretended to read while I observed. And the suffocating reader can stop and breathe. No, I did not get into the pool. Ok? I kept all my clothes on and while your eyes are closed in intense relief, this writer would appreciate prayers for the healing of hydrophobia. Anyway, after a while, we gave up waiting and decided to leave so he went off to change and I waited for him outside the changing area and we walked out together. On our way to the bus stop I mentioned to Suraj that we had ruffled a quite a few feathers at the pool. He hadn't even noticed. Typical. His first comment was,"Oh yeah, am Indian guy walking with an African woman. I hadn't thought about that. That is strange". From then on, as we walked, we took to looking at the passing cars, in a predominantly Asian neighbourhood, for reactions. We were not disappointed. There were quite a few people who went out of their way to crane their necks either to get a clearer view of this unsightly phenomenon or make sure they weren't imagining things. We were rewarded with some amazingly nasty looks. One woman looked at us so badly I commented on it. Suraj laughed and said that if looks could kill, he'd have keeled over. Maybe its the matching yellow tops that we had both chosen to wear or the fact that we were having a grand time together but based on the reactions, I would conclude that people assumed that Suraj and I were couple. Suffice it to say that it was an entertaining sunday afternoon.


After the laughter, I began to think about the implications of my experience. You see, when a young African lady is seen with an older caucasian man, whether he is a reverend, missionary or maybe even a monk, the immediate assumption is that she is after his money. And no, it is probably not going to be in gift form. The same would be true of a younger african man with an older caucasian woman. What if they are contemporaries? Whoever the african is, they are considered to have graduated to a higher level at the very least financially. White skin is the colour of money.

So, what does it mean when a miro is with a muhindi? To be continued...